


to know and be known by others is harder than the poems make it look

by BlueVelvetHeart



Category: Castlevania (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Daddy Issues, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Trevor/sypha is a thing but its not really important, although it has ended up more Alucard makes a friend and learns to be a person, but also friendship :), i hated s3 so i decided to make my own fic to correct stuff, the teen is just for swearing and a lil bit of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24489244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueVelvetHeart/pseuds/BlueVelvetHeart
Summary: Having your almost two-decade isolation interrupted by some eager fifteen year old with her own trauma isn't easy but Alucard learns to adapt.(AU where season 3 doesn't take place. Trevor and Sypha still leave but that's the only thing that's the same.)
Kudos: 4





	to know and be known by others is harder than the poems make it look

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i have never written Castlevania fic before but I was so unhappy with the majority of season three that I felt the dire need to write this. It's extremely self-indulgent but hey ho  
> I

Alucard drifted slowly awake, the sun seeped unpleasantly through the curtains. He attempted to escape from the bright menace in the sky by rolling onto his side but was only greeted with the cold side of the bed. What a lovely reminder of his loneliness. 

He rolled back onto his back and sighed, dragging his hand through his hair. Alucard tried not to dwell on the years he had spent alone but that was increasingly difficult as time dragged on. If only his father were still around then maybe he could ask if the years lumbered on like an injured beast after the death of his mother. At the thought of his father, Alucard decided maybe it was time to stop ruminating and get on with his routine. 

Alucard then repeated the same monotonous actions which he had for the past fifteen or so, spare the odd day where he decided to forgo his routine and wander the house in search of some purpose or sign. None ever came but who was to say God had ever held any good intentions towards Alucard, the bastard of a human and a vampire. He brushed his hair harder as if doing so would shake the thoughts from his head. If only it were so easy.

Alucard ghosted down the stairs, his movements practised and perfect yet never comfortable. He paused as he passed two dolls with familiar appearances, nearly two decades without a visitor would drive someone human to the point of insanity so Alucard felt a little less guilty having held onto his sanity thanks to the dolls. Of course, he would have preferred the real, corporeal touchable beings of Sypha and Trevor, however, that was not a luxury that he deserved and it was clear they felt the same. There had been a flurry of letters from them both (Trevor’s initials had been scratched on the end of the letters which contained Sypha’s lovely, if messy, scrawls) during the early days after their departure, although after the announcement of Sypha’s pregnancy the letters soon began to lose their detail, each one becoming shorter and shorter. The last letter had been a year and a half ago, a mere scrap of paper that had a messy scrawl which read ‘Thinking of you always’. Alucard had pinned it on the wall above his desk until the sight of it began to make his heart ache for his former companions like a lonely old fool. 

Alucard was not surprised by this, his former companions had been traversing the continent clearing through hordes of night monsters with ease. A testament to their easy relationship, supposed Alucard as he headed out the grand, towering doors of his father’s castle. 

However, there was no denying the hurt that seeped into his chest when he thought of their child. Alucard was not jealous of their relationship in the romantic sense, Alucard experienced more of a desire for companionship and having someone to share themselves openly and freely without fear. Alucard had never felt any strong attachment to children yet his exclusion from him from the child’s life twisted a sharp knife of hot doubt that seared his soul. Did they not trust him? Did they fear him? Or worse, did they not want him?

Kneeling, next to a flowerbed of lilies and began watering them, Alucard was bitterly grateful that he never had or would ever have his own children because what a curse upon them he no doubt would be. 

As Alucard’s eyes fell upon the purple roses which decorated his garden, he was struck by the memory of one of Sypha’s letters, detailing the Speaker tradition of not revealing a child’s name until their fifth birthday so that God could play no role in their life until they were ready to fight back against God. Alucard had laughed at the time, what a quaint custom he had thought then. Now he wished he had asked for Sypha’s thoughts on the matter so he could at least refer to the child by name, even if only to himself. Then he could at least feel like he was on the fringes of their life rather than like a scientist peering into a flask. 

Alucard’s thoughts drifted to his own name. Which had become something of an issue. He had designated himself the name Alucard in order to show his opposition to his father to the world, something no longer needed now he had killed him. But ‘Adrian’ didn’t seem to fit him either, it was as if he was a child again and attempting to make his mother’s gloves fit his tiny, weak hands. It simply wasn’t right. Alucard was trapped between a name of a murderer and a name that no longer had meaning without his mother. 

Sypha had once breached the topic in one of her final letters, the letter was addressed to ‘Adrian’ and that had been enough for Alucard to clutch and scrunch the letter into an incomprehensible mess before throwing it into the fire. It had been a bad day, a day of wandering through the tomb known as Castlevania clinging to a book from the Belmont Vault. Alucard regretted it once he woke the next day and he sobbed himself dry until he threw up. Which led to another day curled in bed with a hand precariously lying in the sun, reaching for help. 

‘Adrian’ was someone worthy of love, peace and a family. Alucard was the darkness that this world needed but didn’t want to acknowledge. 

Alucard finished tending to his garden and strolled towards the river, he pushed away his annoying identity crisis and happily imagined what various ridiculous names Trevor would have come up with. Alucard hoped it was nothing too foul or embarrassing if only for the child’s sake.

Alucard hoped the child was happy. Alucard grasped at a fish, only for it to slip away. He pursed his lips and sighed. Someone deserved to be. 

Later, after eating what anyone else would deem a delicious meal and reading a book his mother had written on caring for animals, Alucard lay in bed practically begging for sleep to rush into his arms. He couldn’t have friends, a family or sleep apparently. God truly was cruel. 

Then in the next moment, Alucard found himself standing in the doorway of Castlevania. He felt strangely at peace despite the jarring change in scenery. He looked towards the path leading to Castlevania and saw two figures. Sypha and Trevor. Alucard’s heart leapt and his face flushed as much as it still could with joy.  
Alucard waved and opened his mouth to greet them. The words never came as Alucard saw them suddenly in front of him, faces twisted with scorn and hatred aimed directly at him. He frowned and stepped back but Sypha just laughed, taking an ominous step forward.

“What, you didn’t really think we came to visit you? A monster like you!” Sypha cackled and her hand began to glow with flames. “You deserve your loneliness.”

“You aren’t needed anymore, Alucard,” Trevor said bluntly as he began to swing Morning Star. “We are happier without you.”

Alucard’s eyes widened and he was petrified. This couldn’t be real yet the sight was here before him. The two began to hurl words at him which hurt more than any attack ever could. Worthless. Monster. Useless. Unloveable. 

Alucard would do anything to make this stop, for the pain that consumed almost every part of him to end. He didn’t have to wait long. 

Trevor swung Morning Star and wrapped around his neck. He then yanked the chain and Alucard fell to his knees. The chain began to burn horrendously and intensely against Alucard’s skin. He attempted to claw desperately at it but Sypha gripped his hair and pulled him towards her.

How could we ever see you as anything more than a means to an end?

Alucard screwed his eyes shut, to hold back the tears and so he no longer had to stare at the heartbreaking sight before him. He heard Sypha’s flames begin to crackle and roar. He briefly, if for the first time ever, questioned asking God for forgiveness. It didn’t matter. Alucard felt the flame consume him.

Alucard’s eyes flew open and his hands twisted into the sheets. He inhaled deeply and exhaled shakily. A perfect end to another day of a half-alive corpse pretending he was normal and holding it together. At night the seams split and Alucard was no more a being than the dolls which lay limply on the table.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
